


Cold.

by neon_lights21



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hugs, It's okay not to be okay sometimes, Negative Thoughts, Self-Hatred, sanha-centric, why is that not a tag shame ao3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-07-28 05:48:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16235441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neon_lights21/pseuds/neon_lights21
Summary: Sanha was lying on his bed, under three blankets, yet he was still shivering. Everything was just so cold. It was not even the usual kind of cold. It was coming from inside him, radiating onto his skin, which was paradoxically hot. In fact, he was even sweating. However, he couldn’t help but feel cold. He didn’t even know how long he had been feeling like that. The coldness had crept up on him like a shadow and it wouldn’t let go.





	1. It's not even winter yet!

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I wrote this instead of doing my homework... but I just needed to vent. Life has been kicking me in the ass so much lately. Also, I'm not able to write anything other than angst lol.

Sanha was lying on his bed, under three blankets, yet he was still shivering. Everything was just so _cold_. It was not even the usual kind of cold. It was coming from inside him, radiating onto his skin, which was paradoxically hot. In fact, he was even sweating. However, he couldn’t help but feel cold. He didn’t even know how long he had been feeling like that. The coldness had crept up on him like a shadow and it wouldn’t let go. It was gripping his chest tight, not letting go. It was like a heavy metal chain. And it was _cold_. He didn’t want to feel so pathetic. He knew too well what would happen if he drowned in self pity, so he tried to swallow the lump in his throat. But the chain wouldn’t let him do it. He felt so childish for feeling useless and pathetic and a waste of space and time and natural resources. Or was it the other way around? He didn’t even know anymore.

He wanted to move his ass from that fucking bed and go to his hyungs. They would listen to him. They would help him. Unlike himself. He couldn’t do it, though. There was a small part of his mind that told him they would make fun of him, call him weak and pathetic. He _knew_ it wasn’t true, but he couldn’t muster up the courage to open up to them about his darkest thoughts.

He twisted and turned in his bed for what felt like hours. He wrapped his blankets tighter around himself, but that didn’t give him enough warmth. He curled onto himself and placed his arm around his chest. It felt so good to have a warm and pleasant weight around himself. It wasn’t like a real hug filled with love and actual _warmth_ , though. So he put both his hands around himself and squeezed as hard as he could. It felt like _happiness,_ but he couldn’t hold on for more than a few seconds at a time. It was tiring. It took too much energy to comfort himself. He was tired of _it_. Of not feeling anything and everything at the same time. He wanted to get up and run through the streets.

Scream.

Run.

Smile.

Laugh.

Be happy.

But he couldn’t get up from his goddamn bed.

He felt something rise in his throat. Tears started forming in his eyes, but they didn’t fall. They never did, not at the right fucking time. It actually felt good to have something else in his chest other than the dull ache that was there so often he sometimes forgot about it. There’s always a catch, though. The feeling never lasted long enough to allow him to let the pain out. It was as if the pain was alive. When it inhaled, it inflated until Sanha thought it would explode and leave him alone, but then it would exhale and go back to being a barely perceptible shadow.

He took a deep breath and pressed a fistful of blankets to his chest. It wouldn’t replace an actual hug, but it was still better than being directly exposed to the coldness lurking inside of him. His mind wandered off to an almost bleak memory which was once his definition of happiness. He started reenacting the conversations, moving his mouth as if he were actually talking to someone. Then he caught himself in the middle of his trip down the memory lane. He couldn’t afford being distracted. He needed to focus. He had to figure out some way to get rid of the _thing_ once and for all. Maybe he had to suffer through it. Maybe he _deserved_ to suffer. He thought of all the stupid things he had said and done without thinking they would hurt someone. He wanted to apologise and make it right. He people to forgive him for everything he had and hadn’t done he wanted to look beyond everything to see that there was still hope that he wasn’t a bad person so he could forgive himself but he was cold and he didn’t know when the warmth would envelope him because the monster wouldn’t even let him seek the warmth maybe because he was a bad person who didn’t deserve anything but pain and suffering and more pain but it wasn’t fair and there he was again being so childish it wasn’t like he was the only person in the world to have problems there were people who had _actual_ , concrete problems not just some stupid feeling that-

“Hey, dinner’s just arrived,” Minhyuk said as he flicked on the light. When his eyes landed on Sanha, who was buried under his blankets, he cocked his head in amusement.

“What are you doing? What’s up with all the blankets?” He asked, smiling and frowning at the same time in confusion. 

“It’s cold,” Sanha replied in a raspy voice. He buried his head further in the blankets because he could feel tear forming in his eyes. It was stupid. All he wanted to do was cry, but just not in front of someone. However, it seemed like it was the only time his tear ducts would actually produce tears. It just hurt so much to have a source of warmth right in front of him but have cold chains prevent him from reaching out to it.

“ _Cold_?” Minhyuk laughed, “Are you serious? It’s not even winter yet!”  He flopped his hands around dramatically. “I’m gonna start taking pictures if you don’t get up. Human sandwich makes good blackmail material.”

“But it’s so cold.” Sanha’s voice broke a bit at the last word. He held the blankets tighter and shivered harder. Minhyuk’s amused face turned to one of slight concern. He walked up to Sanha and took a good look at him.

“Are you sick? You could have a fever, you know.” He moved to put a hand on Sanha’s forehead, but Sanha shot up like he had been hit by a lightning strike. His eyes moved around frantically as he felt tremors run through his body. He stumbled onto his feet and looked Minhyuk in the eyes. Minhyuk carefully placed a hand on Sanha’s shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” he asked softly.

“It’s cold, hyung.” Minhyuk couldn’t understand why Sanha kept saying that it was cold. He probably had a fever. Yeah, that was it.

“Hey, sit down before you pass out or something. I’m gonna get you a sweater. Where do you keep them?” He turned around to open Sanha’s closet, but before he could even take a step away, Sanha had already grabbed his wrist. 

“No… it’s cold. But you’re warm. Why are you so warm?” Minhyuk looked at Sanha weirdly, thinking the maknae had somehow gone mad. His eyes widened in shock and concern as tears started flowing down Sanha’s face. Minhyuk’s mind started instantly racing through every plausible possibility that could explain the situation. Suddenly Sanha threw himself on Minhyuk and held on to him so tight it was hard for Minhyuk to breath comfortably. He wrapped his arms around Sanha. This only made him cry harder and his body shook with every sob. He buried his face in Minhyuk’s shoulder as he finally felt safe and _warm_ enough to let everything out. He didn't know how it was possible to for Minhyuk to hold him that close and so tenderly. It was almost surreal.  Minhyuk’s stomach twisted when he thought about what could be making Sanha cry that hard. Had someone died? Did he have a brain hemorrhage or something? Did someone _do_ something to him?

So many ifs ran through his mind as he held Sanha a bit tighter, hoping it would calm him down. Hell, he needed some comfort himself.  Eventually, Sanha broke off from him and dropped himself on his bed. He held his head down and locked his hands on his neck. He was still crying.

“Sanha, what happened?” Minhyuk asked, his voice laced with layers of concern. But Sanha didn’t respond. Minhyuk sat next to him and put an arm around his shoulders.

“Come on, please tell hyung what’s bothering you. I’m worried about you.”

“No...” That was all Sanha managed to croak out. Minhyuk felt helpless. He sighed in frustration and rubbed his face. He decided to get someone else. He couldn’t deal with this alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, this wasn't supposed to be this angsty XD And it was supposed to be a one-shot, but there's gonna be another chapter (or two, if I get carried away again) I'm not completely satisfied with how it turned out, so I might edit it later (especially the ending).  
> Thanks for reading!!  
> Feedback is appreciated


	2. Lonely?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My lazy ass finally finished this..

Minhyuk practically ran down  the stairs. His heart was thumping  as adrenaline coursed through his body . He  felt guilty for leaving Sanha alone,  but he  didn’t know what else to do . When he skipped the last two stairs and jumped in front of the others,  Myungjun eyed him and asked: “What took you so long? And where’s Sanha?” He looked behind Minhyuk expecting Sanha to jump out from somewhere.

“Woojin hyung, go upstairs,” Minhyuk said as he took in a shaky breath. Woojin blinked at him a few times, not quite processing what Minhyuk had said.

“What…?” Woojin frowned in confusion. Minhyuk started gesticulating frantically when Woojin didn’t show any intention of moving.

“Just go! It’s Sanha!” Minhyuk pleaded. The others exchanged a knowing glance.

“Is this another one of your pranks?” Dongmin eyed Minhyuk suspiciously.

“Why would I joke about something like this?” He almost shouted. Woojin stepped forward and grabbed his shoulder.

“Alright, calm down. There’s no need to raise your voice. What’s wrong with Sanha? Is he sick?” He asked, keeping his tone even.

“No… Maybe… I don’t know… Just go upstairs.” Woojin wasted no time in going to Sanha’s room. Minhyuk scratched the back of his neck, avoiding eye contact with everyone. He sat down at the table and stared at his food as though it held the ultimate answer to life, universe and everything. Everyone looked at him with perplexity.

“Hey,” Bin said, while having a silent conversation with Myungjun.“What happened? Do we need to go upstairs?” Minhyuk finally lifted his head, a panicked look on his face.

“N-no, I think it's best if we gave him some space...” Dongmin tilted his head in confusion.

“Will you at least tell us what's wrong?” he asked sharply. Minhyuk let out an exasperated sigh.

“He was crying, okay?”

“Oh.” Myungjun wore an unreadable expression. “well... let's eat then.” Everyone gave him pointed looks.

* * *

 

Woojin slowly cracked the door open and was met with the sight of Sanha sitting on his bed, sniffling quietly. He immediately rushed over to Sanha.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” He asked, concern evident in his voice. Sanha shifted further away from Woojin while still hiding his face.

“I don’t- I don’t want to talk about it,” he mumbled. Woojin ran a hand through his hair, not sure what to do. He sat next to Sanha and gently lifted his face, which was red and puffy from all the crying. The way Sanha looked at him with those glassy eyes shattered his heart. Woojin lifted his sleeve and wiped away a few tears from Sanha’s face and let him rest his head on his shoulder.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Woojin said after a couple of minutes, when Sanha had finally stopped crying. Sanha nodded slightly.

“Yeah,” he said in a scratchy voice. “It’s just that… I… I don’t know how to explain it. He sighed and rubbed his face.

“Did something happen?” Woojin asked, looking concerned.

“Not exactly...” Sanha lifted his head and looked at Woojin. “I uh sometimes I just feel lonely, you know?” He felt heat creeping up his neck, all while he refused to look Woojin in the eyes. This was pathetic. He was _not_ a two year old child. But then again, when had Woojin ever judged him or called him names for crying?

“Yeah, I understand.” Woojin felt his stomach drop even lower. As irrational as it was, he wanted to make Sanha feel alright and take away all the pain. But that wasn’t possible.

“Every one feel like that from time to time. You don’t have to do it by yourself though. We’re here for you. Whenever you feel like this, just come to us. You don’t even have to say anything because we won’t ever push you away.” He went in for a hug and held Sanha for a few seconds.

“Thanks, hyung,” he whispered. He didn’t know how a few simple words would make him feel better and _warm_. This time, when Woojin pulled away, instead of tears there was a smile on Sanha's face. A genuine smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if you expected something longer, I guess I'm just not good at organising my writing in chapters? This is just so CRINGY,,, but I guess practice makes perfect lol


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